Day 96- Merry dayafterChristmas!

I can't believe that 1.) Christmas has come and gone, and 2.) I am 96 days into training. How in the world does time pass so quickly, and where does it all go? 96 days, that's almost 100. Crazy. And with Christmas, I feel like there is so much build up, and I need time to slowly sink into the Christmas spirit and get used to listening to carols on every radio station all day long, and then it just goes in one little 24 hour period. I'm always shell shocked when its over. Absolutely crazy.
And since my lungs have recovered and the ice on the roads has (almost) melted, I am finally back to running normally again. Which is to say, I am back on my training plan. It's been a little hard jumping back in, which is scary to say because I only lost about a week or so. But since the marathon is less than a month away (really, its like 2 weeks away...ahhhhhh!!!), I need to be kicking my own butt into gear. And with that, I would like to write a little bit about obedience, because it's been a theme ever since day 1 in my thoughts and training, and it's time to get it all out there.
Obedience is hard. Not just obedience to authority like your parents or laws or things like that, but even to things like a diet, and to yourself, and to God especially. Before I started this training program, I read a book called "What I am talking about when I talk about running," by an author whose name I forget (I think its like...Haruki Muryakami or something similar). It wasn't such a good book, but it did have a few sentences that have been streaming through my mind ever since I read them. There is an episode where he is talking to an olympic runner, and he asks him if he ever just feels lazy and doesn't feel like running. And the olympian says "yes, i feel like that almost every day." First I felt relieved, because I feel this way every day. And if this guy can make a career out of something he feels this way about, then I can finish a few months of training and a big race. But it really is a salient point, because sometimes, and really most of the time, we just have to do things that we dont feel like doing. That truth applies to everything, from getting out of bed in the morning to eating vegetables to flossing.
But what I'm talking about is more than just obedience for basic maintenance. There are a few days when I really can't wait to get out and run, but most days its an internal struggle, and I mean a fierce one, to get myself to put on my running shoes and go outside. ESPECIALLY when it's cold. I do it anyways, though, because the end of it all is incredible. Its SO hard to see the big picture and sometimes its even impossible, but I just have to. And it's the same way with God. Recently I have been having some struggles with being obedient to God. Even with little things, it's hard to yield. There are different reasons I think: sometimes it's just because I see something I want and I think my way is better than anything God could give (which is ridiculous); other times, I just don't want somebody telling me what to do. In the end, though, it's just the same as running. There is a bigger picture, and sometimes I can see it, but most the time I can't. I've just got to trust that God can see the end from his view and it is BEAUTIFUL. And making each and every single decision to do what is best is an internal struggle (sometimes big, sometimes not so big), but I just need to suck it up and slip on my shoes.
Some people say obedience gets easier, and I agree somewhat, but for the most part, I don't think it does. It's hard every time, and I don't know if there will ever be a point in my life where I will always be happy to submit. But even the saints, the "professionals" if you will, felt that way, so you just gotta do it.

Day 86

I have bronchitis. It is Tuesday, and I haven't run since Saturday morning. It's not the end of the world, but I am a little worried that it is going to be tough to start going again. But I can tell you that I have never been so thankful for healthy lungs as I am now that I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe. Seriously, yesterday I had to take 2-3 breaks every time I got up out of my chair. Unbelievable that some people live like that every day.

But all this inactivity has given me a lot of time to think, and I was reading my bible last night when I got this revelation on what love means, and it comes from 1 John 4. So the phrase in this passage, "God is love," is thrown around a lot, and to be honest, I have never understood it (not that I do fully now, but I'm a little closer). After doing a little digging, I noticed that in the bible, love is synonymous with self sacrifice. It is not an emotion, how I and I think a lot of people in our culture think of it. In fact, I am pretty sure that the culture the Jesus lived in was a relatively unemotional one in general. I mean, a man considered his wife and children as possessions, and those were his family. So this whole notion of love is completely based on actions and not emotion, and the whole bible demonstrates that the greatest action a person could do is to deny himself something to give to another. This is what love is. Love and self-sacrifice are one in the same; there cannot be one without the other.
In 1 John chapter 4, there is this step by step explanation of love, and it seems like it's an Idiot's Guide in simplicity, but without the understanding that love is an action and not an emotion, the significance is lost. The step-by-step goes something like this: We should love each other because God loves us. We can only love each other if we know God, though, because God has created/embodied/exemplified love ("God is love"). God loved us first, and that's the only reason we can really know what it is to love God back. We know God loved us because he sent Jesus, and confessing that this is true enables us to believe that God loves us. Abide in this, and God will abide in us, and there is nothing to be afraid of. "Perfect love casts out all fear."
I guess this is important to me because I struggle a lot with believe God loves me. I think most people do, and it's because I gauge the truth of God's love by my daily feelings, if i feel like God is looking on me with love or disgust that particular day. But this passage, and the whole bible really, tells me thats wrong. The fact that Jesus was sent by God and came and died so that we would be forgiven is just that, a fact. No magic, it was a factual transaction. So if I believe that, then I am believing that God loves me. He did the action. He loves me. They are the same. And because of that, I have nothing to be afraid of, ever. Yes, there is value in emotions in spirituality, but something this foundational needs to be understood concretely, and I need to make sure that the way I love people is through actions too!

Day 72

Something wonderful happened yesterday and I would like to share it.
Since Thanksgiving weekend was this past weekend and there was so much to do, I didn't have any time for my weekend 20 miler, so I put it off until Monday, which was yesterday. It was supposed to rain all day and be in the mid 50's (happy december 1st, new england?) , but instead it was in the mid 50's and beautifully sunny, which made for excellent running conditions. And thats not even the good part. So I left from my dad's house and was coming up the main road when I passed a man in an electric wheelchair. From the little POW-MIA license plate he had attached and the American flag that he had flying, I'm guessing he was a veteran. So I passed him, and he yelled out "run a few laps for me!" and I said "will do!" and he said "beautiful! you're absolutely beautiful!" Now. I don't think he was talking so much about my physical features as he was about the fact that I had a healthy body and a strong pair of legs and I was out running while he was not able to. And ya know, I think most people, at some time in their lives, have encountered someone who they would consider disadvantaged, whether physically or monetarily or socially or whatever, and have been amazed at how happy they are. Really, this guy was so positive. And I know it was only a few words exchanged, but I just knew he was genuinely excited for me to be running, and not at all bitter, like I think I might be should we trade places.
And even though I have met tons of 'disadvantaged' people (that's not derogatory in any way, btw) and thought that they were really warm and happy, it's one of those things that I a) didn't heartily believe enough to think about, or b) just really didn't think about. Until now. But I think its because people who live in really crappy circumstances have this realization that things aren't going to get any better in that regard, and they see clearly that this thing, whatever they lack, will not fill them up. So they know what true happiness is, and I've got to believe that true happiness is not contingent on things that can be taken away, or else people with nothing would be miserable instead of some of the most genuinely happy people I've ever met. And with people like me on the other hand, who have been given limitless opportunities and have everything we need, there is this thought that a little bit more of whatever is always attainable (this IS America, after all), and somewhere therein lies life getting better. I mean, who is going to stop you from achieving your dreams, because we are always bombarded with the thought that we can if we try really hard, and its always seemed like a positive thing. But its not. We just want more, and it sounds cliche, but its so true. It doesn't even have to be money or material things. This is being really vulnerable, but I think with me, it's this thought deep down that getting married will be when my life really starts to be fulfilling. But that's not true. I have everything I need to be satisfied right here and now, and so does everyone once they give up hope of getting more. Talk about a revelation on what Thanksgiving really should focus on. So give up hope. Really. It's what I need to do.
And it is so beautiful that I can run every day. How much beauty do I miss daily by looking for more?