Day 47

I can't believe that I've already been training for 47 days. 47 sounds like a lot of days, unless you look at it like a month and a half, which really isn't that much. My halfway point isn't until later in November, and I'm trying to save my halfway point report for that day, but I do have to say that I training is going successfully, and that I've somehow managed to run my long runs without music, and finish strong too. I mean, I usually have to drag myself the last mile or so, but the fact that I can run 18 miles and run the whole way catches me off guard sometimes. I don't know how I can, and it's crazy that something like that is so mental.

Anyway, I have been feeling kind of blah recently (and by recently, I mean for the past month or so) because God seems kind of far away. And I know that he is there, and I know what the bible says about his love and character, but there is a disconnect between the facts that I am supposed to hold to and what I feel. I just need God to really SHOW me his love, and that might not be all of it, but thats huge right now. But in thinking about it, I realized that I ask God for this a lot. I mean, I have a good life, and just waking up breathing and able to move every day is a demonstration of God's blessing in my life and his love. And yet, I get like this sometimes, where I just don't feel affirmed and no amount of knowledge can give the kind of strength needed to keep going. Does God ever get tired of it though? I know I am human, but I get really tired of being around needy people who always need to be affirmed, you know, the people who always need someone to validate them. I just get tired of it. And if they don't get it by the millionth time I have told them, when will they ever get it? But if God has the character that I think he does, he doesn't get tired of it, and he won't give up on loving us.

My church is reading through the whole bible, and we are in Leviticus for the old testament portion. Well, actually they are in numbers, and I am behind and still in Leviticus. But up to this point, Israel has strayed from God on several occasions, but God keeps showing mercy. The thing is, it's not explicitly stated that he loves them, its that he made this promise to Abraham that Israel would be his people, and he was bound by that. Don't get me wrong, God can do whatever he wants, but he doesn't break promises. So maybe I am just seeing the story in small increments, but where is this very loving, cuddly God that I want to think about responding to me? Or is the fact that he shows mercy and takes them back every time they betray him enough of a demonstration of love in the first place? I dont know, and maybe this is going to be about me discovering more of God's real character. But what I do know is that at the very base of everything is my belief in God and my ability to have a relationship that only comes from Jesus, and if that is the very least, then that is more than enough.

I don't know. Just some thoughts. But tomorrow is 20 miles, and I am dreading it a little bit.